Saturday, October 04, 2008

Vodka And Latex

I lieu of an actual post about knitting, I'm going to wax on about my friends, and work and shit. Cause, you know, I can.
Every week at SnB I think, "I should write down the stuff we say. It'd make a great blog post." do I ever? Hell no. That would require forethought and planning. Costumechick doesn't roll that way. She barely remembers to bring all the stuff she needs to SnB to actually knit, let alone do something additional. What the hell am I talking about? I barely remember to wear all the appropriate pieces of clothing in the morning. I could be called, with out much reservation, a mess.
Anyway, This week the bitches were quite excitable, and loud. A serious amount of quips and digs were laid out for all of Panera Bread - including the nuns - to hear. For your reading, and for the bitches, a review, of what I remember we talked about at Snb this Thursday. Well, at least what the alcohol didn't kill off...
1.Sarah "Caribou Barbie" Palin - she is an endless source of humor. Really. Between complaining about her lack of knowledge on anything, discussing her unbelievable small wardrobe, and being enraged about the assumption that women will vote for her because she allegedly has a vagina... well, you get the point. Since we were bitching and stitching, we didn't manage to watch the debate, live. It's probably better that way, as a few of us would now have broken TVs from throwing shoes at the "Alaskan Airhead". I can say, since I watched it later, she did a good job a memorizing the republican crapola that they asked her too. Yay for her! However, she was totally laughable, for reasons I will not go into here, but at least someone went to the Kasper outlet and bought her a new damn suit! Shit, if I had to see that ugly Walmart suit with the funnel neck one more time, I was going to take my measly salary - provided, in part my the NEA (that she and the other republidiots want to get rid of), and go down to the Burlington Coat factory and spend 50 bucks on a new fucking suit for her! It was embarrassing. Seriously.
ahem. Palin wailin' was a big part of the evenings festivities.
2.Getting smells out of stuff. In theatre, we have been using a spray on smell remover- ala' Febreeze - for, well, ever. It's called Vodka. The cheap shit that you can only drink if you are an underage college student or desperate. If they made a 5 gallon jug with big black "government cheese" lettering on the side that said "VODKA", it'd be perfect. We mix it half and half with water, and spray liberally on clothing. It works. Seriously! I promise, you don't smell like a martini, and it doesn't stain. This whole tangent started when we were talking about banned websites and watching porn at work. I said I can get away with almost anything, as my job requires me to look at a lot of 'questionable' web sites. Like what? Oh, you know... thigh highs, corsets, fake breasts... the list goes on. I regularly accidentally find myself on a porn site while looking for garter belts. That convo morphed into cleaning costumes that can't be dry cleaned - like latex. Then the vodka thing. Well, by the end, Knelley decided that my name was an acronym for Vodka And Latex. V.A.L. I'm fine with that. It could also be Vodka And Leather. that is even better. (smile)
PS. True to form, I got a shot of Smirnoff later at the bar. Just sayin'.
3.Balls. every week. You don't have to even be there to know we talked about balls.
4.Office gossip. Also, every week. It's the best soap opera around. Granted, I don't want any of it any where near where I work, but I am happy to listen to it from others. especially how Knelley's third graders are plotting a coupe.
5. The Youtube. Yankee bought a Youtube this weekend at the Best Buy. I'm sending her 8-tracks and video tapes to put on the youtube. That way, when she does the google, it'll show me them on the interweb. This is how I am going to learn about McCain and his progressive understanding of those damn kids, er... I mean, youth vote.
6.Libertarians. Is it just me, or are these guys balls to the walls crazy? OMG. get out the tin foil hats! The governments are reading our minds! The Us Government is conspiring with Canada and Mexico to make one giant country with a single currency - the Amero. The dude in the bandanna and nasty jeans is going to save us all by running for a seat in the house as a libertarian. Oh thank the gods. I might have voted for someone not crazy if he hadn't accosted us in the parking lot.
**Public service announcement**
when a crazy - be they Libertarian, Fundy, Mormon, Scientologist, or plain whackjob - confronts you, turn and walk away. Do not engage! If this doesn't work, and they follow you to continue the conversation, say "no thank you", and continue walling. be prepared, this may not work, as some crazies are very committed to their crazy. In this case, your only recourse is to "out crazy" them. I recommend screaming even crazier things at the top of your lungs, while making a wild eyed glare. Feel free to channel Sarah Palin to make this easier. I will give an example:
Crazy guy: "The Federal reserve is a private bank! America really has no money!"
You: "Oh, I knew it. Another person that knows the truth. Did you have your brain wave deflector implanted, cause I see you aren't wearing the tin foil hat. Mine was implanted by aliens during the last eclipse. Did you know that blueberries are a secret government plot to make the people automatons?! It's true! Blueberries and yogurt are causing the downfall of mankind. The sponges are in on it too! All hail the purple mist alien overlords!"
Feel free to chase the crazy person, as they will hopefully be running away. The true whackjobs, will not. You will now have a new best friend. Yay!
I can't wait until next week, when we will undoubtedly discuss balls, office gossip, what insipid thing Palin said, and whatever dirty things pop into our heads again. Hopefully, there won't be Nuns to keep us from really letting go this time....

9 comments:

acambras said...

The dude in the bandanna and nasty jeans is going to save us all by running for a seat in the house as a libertarian.

Yes, I almost channeled my mother and said, "You're running for Congress dressed like that?

There should be a sign:
PLEASE DO NOT POKE THE CRAZY.

(scampers off to trade in all my dollars for Ameros and buy all the bebeh-melting acrylic yarn I can find)

accountantgrrl said...

I those it was the peso as acambras suggested to the Crazy.

And to think, I thought he was kinda cute when he walked in.

As I said, it made me afraid to discuss politics in the Panera Bread in the future. I am just now starting to get the feeling back in my shoulder from when Knelley was gripping me when the Crazy wouldn't stop!

No wonder she wouldn't go drinking with us!

acambras said...

I tried to calm Knelley by muttering "balls" under my breath...

knelleyknits said...

I was SCARED of the scruffy Libertarian! Scared. He was King of Crazy! I don't want to live in a supercountry! I can't figure out a new currency!

Thanks for letting me relive the evening through your blog post. What a snortfest.

And as for you . . . Vodka and latex - or leather. Both of the Ls suit you well.

cafe-eclectic.net said...

Oh my god. What did I miss!!???

No worries, I'll be there Thursday!!

Kim said...

Caribou Barbie! That's the best..
The suit she wore at the convention was a Valentino, $2500.

costumechick said...

that makes it even worse. She pent that kind of money on that thing? Ugh.

Adina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eklectika said...

Best part of that debate? The big gaffe Palin did when she said: "[McCain] is the one we need to leave...er, LEAD!!!"

If only Biden had caught that and said something like, "I'm behind ya on the first one."

And hey, you use my method of extra-crazy deflection. I once got rid of some kind of highly aggressive bible thumper type on the NH Green by starting to shout, "The MOON!!! The MOOOOOOOOON!" Totally works.